Q: You've often said that parents should not be "involved" with their children, but rather should establish a clear boundary in the parent-child relationship. I agree in principle, but as a homeschooling mom, I have no choice but to be highly involved with my kids. Can you help me resolve this conflict?
A: In relationships, boundaries are essential to respect. One of the stumbling blocks in contemporary parenting culture is the general lack of a clear boundary between parent and child. The symptoms include the so-called "family bed," married couples who are more involved with their children than they are with one another (in terms of attention paid to, time spent with, interest shown in, and so on), and families that are organized around children's activities. The underlying problem is that today's parents are more concerned about being liked than respected by their kids.
This modern social fashion is by no means confined to the parent-child relationship. The need to be liked by children has infected the teaching profession (in some school systems, for example, students actually rate teachers on "likeability"), and manifests itself more generally in such imprudent things as adults wanting children - even very young children - to call them by their first names.
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DISCUSSION with VeeVeca:
Like vs. Respect. The writer of the article said, "The underlying problem is that today's parents are more concerned about being liked than respected by their kids." Is it possible to have both? Or am I just fooling myself?
For me, I do care if the children like me. However, I won't go out of my way to be liked. Meaning, if I have to discipline roughly I will because I am responsible for their lives. And because I am fully founded in the stand that kids belong to God first and then to parents second, they must adhere to the rules of the parent (who hopefully is listening to God). There is a thin line of befriending your children. Respect absolutely must be expected. But respect goes both ways-- from parents to kids, from kids to parents... ultimately all to God.
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By MonaNicole
ReplyDeleteI have to say on HERE, it's respect! They will like (befriend) you later for that! We are the parents and if we don't parent correctly, they won't turn out right, nor know how to be positive, mature, secure, productive citizens or good parents their selves. We are friendly to them, but when it comes to being their friend vs a parent, I choose to parent and if there is balance with being a parent and friend I'm for that, I'm his friend for sure, a real one, his 1st friend, but I'm his parent 1st and I can be his Frarent (friend/parent) or Priend (parent/friend)...:-)
Nanette Buchanan
ReplyDeleteJuly 16, 2009 at 8:39 pm
My views come from various components in my life. Having a mother who fit the definition of parent but not mother; coaching children of other parents; successfully raising children of my own; having grandchildren; and teaching at a training academy for adults. In all of these experiences there is a reflection of the relationships those involved have or had with their parents. For me it comes down to one sentence, “If you are a Parent to your child, you will be liked and respected.” Children need structure, support, love, and discipline. They want boundaries to be set, they will challenge your authority and your limits but if you are a Parent, they will understand and give you love, and thanks when they reach adulthood. No one said being a Parent was easy, neither is a loving relationship. All relationships have boundaries, rules, support and love…..parenting is the relationship that should be long lasting….it wears on you but in the end….there’s a reward.
I think it’s possible to be both as long as parent trumps friend. After all, children are people, too.
ReplyDeleteKaren O’Bannon, www.avictoriouswoman.com